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Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I Was Finally Happy... Till You Left



Clarificatory note: The ‘I’ in the note is not I, and I don’t know of any ‘You’ among my circle of acquaintances. It is a work of my imagination; it is my perception of a heart break. 


I was finally happy. I had stopped running around in the quest for happiness because it had finally found me. I had found happiness with you. I realized all the songs that I rolled my eyes at actually made sense, because I was in love. I went about my days with a smile on my face. My day revolved around the expectation that you would call. Or text. And we would meet for dinner. Or it would be a simple coffee date, and that would perk me up. Before I came to know you, I cherished myself as a level-headed person. But then you came along and swept away all the logic in me. And I told myself, this is love and it feels great.  No matter how bad my day went, my solace laid in the fact that you were with me. I could talk to you all about it and you would make me see things straight and even manage to make me see a positive side to my getting reprimanded at work. 

There was no bringing your hope down and I loved that the most about you. On the hope scale of one to ten, you were at a twenty. And you transported the pessimistic me with you to a twenty. It was ridiculously insane how well you understood me. Every glance, every breath, every smile, you understood all the meanings behind them. I remember the way you looked into my eyes and smiled and told me I was an open book to you; you could see right through me into my soul. And for the very first time I felt satiated. And safe.

And then I came crashing down to a zero when you abandoned me. I had felt you slipping away for a while. It started very subtly and took me a while to realize what was happening. I ended up being the one who would always call, always text, always asking to meet after work. You were polite and obliging at first and answered my calls, replied to my messages and turned up at the right time at the place we had decided. And then slowly the frequency of calls, and texts and meetings diminished till there were no more calls, no more texts, no more meeting over coffee dates. You always found an excuse. It was work, it was a family emergency, it was your extra classes. It hurt so much when you wouldn’t pick up my calls. It became apparent to me that I had over committed in the relationship. And I felt stupid, but most of all I felt sad because I was unhappy once again. I felt happiness abandoning me. And yet my days revolved around the hope that you would call or leave a message. It was hope that kept me going for a while before I realized that I was never going to hear from you again. You clearly had moved on and I was no more a part of your life.


 I tried moving on too, but you had made moving on so hard.  I would find myself staring at the phone, almost willing it to ring, hoping that you would be calling. I would go to my phonebook, type out your name and gaze at your tiny little profile picture for hours. I would contemplate calling you, just so I could hear your voice one more time. It didn’t matter if it reached your voicemail, at least I would get to hear your voice one final time. I would go visit your Facebook page and see what you had been doing. I would hover over the message icon and deliberate sending you a message. In the end I gave in and did leave you a few messages which went unanswered. And I finally got my message very clearly - we were definitely over and you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I would sit in my room behind locked doors and reminisce about all those times that you made me laugh. I would play our conversations in my head and would laugh by myself. I would go through my inbox and read all the e-mails that we had exchanged when we were together. Your charm and charisma poured through your sarcastic and witty remarks and made me laugh some more.  When we kissed for the first time, I remember Ed Sheeran in my ears – “This feels like falling in love…We’re falling in love.” Little did I know that I was the one who was only doing the falling.

I go back and think how silly I must have seemed to you, fawning all over you. I guess you found that pathetic and that put you off. Clearly I don’t know what put you off, and that is the most painful part. You decided to leave without saying goodbye. A part of me hates you for nonchalantly casting me aside, but a part of me wants to thank you because you made it possible for me to be happy for the briefest of moments. All those moments spent with you were bliss; you taught me how it feels to be content and love someone almost unconditionally. I didn’t think that I would ever get to know the feeling of intoxication that love brings, but you gave me a chance to experience all that. Happiness was being with you, happiness was knowing what we had.

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