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Saturday, March 15, 2014

Random Ramblings of a Roving Mind

This is exactly what I called my mind when I was waiting at the airport to board the flight for home. I have been trying to verbalise what it is that I have been feeling for the past two weeks, but I have failed every time. At best, maybe I can say that I am still in a daze about the whole Hyderabad, Mumbai, Calcutta thing and it still hasn’t settled in that I hopped around these three mega cities in a span of just one week. As soon as I entered the airport, I was filled with this feeling of melancholia. I knew I would be going home today, but somehow the thought never sunk in. And somehow all of a sudden I just didn’t want to go home anymore. When it was time to pack, I got so agitated that I had to call my best friend and ask her to calm me down so that I could end up packing the essentials. I skipped sleeping; probably not the best thing to do when everything seems to irritate me. I am moody and edgy and touchy and I have no idea why. Here I was going home after 4 long months, I should be overjoyed. Instead I felt lonely and alone at the airport, forgetting that someone would be waiting for me to greet me and hold me and hug me at the other end of the journey.  All my mind was telling me, when you come back to no one, when no one is there to pick you up, you are the loneliest in the world. Something that I would have to do when I get back to Mumbai. I hate where my mind goes; it always goes to the dark and twisted place. Instead of thinking about how I will be greeted with joyous smiles, I chose to dwell on how I will be left alone to my own devices after I land in Mumbai. And to top it all, now that I am here, I want to be there! You would never meet another fickle minded Virgo like me! Everyone has their happy places, and what I realized today is that the airport is certainly not mine. It just makes me realize how much of a lot of things I have missed. I have been home for almost 5 hours, I have already had my first fight with my parents. Going back to stay with them, is tedious. Even though I am no pro at staying alone, since I have been doing it for only a year, I have come to value my freedom and independence a lot more. I don’t like hearing, you won’t get it unless you become a parent as an excuse of their being a tad bit snoopy about my life. I’d like to hear a real excuse for them being snoopy. That is just not good enough for me. Also I have no control on my mind whatsoever. It just goes wherever it wants to. It never leaves me in peace. It always has to overthink things, which makes me exhausted in the end. But does it care that it leaves me all drained and muddled? Hell, no! It’s only job is to create the mess by overthinking things and then leave me with the mess while poor little me tries to figure out the questions that the highbrow mind of mine left me to answer. 

I enter my room and I hardly recognize it: pink bed spreads?! Doesn’t Ma know that I abhor pink like anything? What is wrong with her? She is doing all these silly little things for me. So is dad. Neither of them would leave me alone with my rambling mind for a second. Well, I believe it now – distance makes the heart grow fonder. But I don’t think I can handle this fondness too much. It is a getting a little claustrophobic for me. I hate myself for even thinking this, but a tiny part of me thinks that all this is a little fake. They might be doing all this to absolve themselves of the guilt that has been gnawing at them for treating me the way they did for the last 23 years.

While rummaging the fridge today, I realized Ma’s fridge is a happy fridge. My fridge back home is not. And I almost blurted out I don’t feel like going back but I managed to catch myself just at the moment. My ego is too huge to admit to my own folks that yes I miss this luxury at times. I have got my perspectives all screwed up, I get that. I should never feel the way I do, but that is where my mind goes.

I have spent a little more than 24 hours at home. I am still very ambivalent about my feelings. Is this how it’s supposed to be? 

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