This is exactly what I called my mind when I was waiting at
the airport to board the flight for home. I have been trying to verbalise what
it is that I have been feeling for the past two weeks, but I have failed every time.
At best, maybe I can say that I am still in a daze about the whole Hyderabad,
Mumbai, Calcutta thing and it still hasn’t settled in that I hopped around
these three mega cities in a span of just one week. As soon as I entered the
airport, I was filled with this feeling of melancholia. I knew I would be going
home today, but somehow the thought never sunk in. And somehow all of a sudden
I just didn’t want to go home anymore. When it was time to pack, I got so
agitated that I had to call my best friend and ask her to calm me down so that
I could end up packing the essentials. I skipped sleeping; probably not the
best thing to do when everything seems to irritate me. I am moody and edgy and
touchy and I have no idea why. Here I was going home after 4 long months, I
should be overjoyed. Instead I felt lonely and alone at the airport, forgetting
that someone would be waiting for me to greet me and hold me and hug me at the
other end of the journey. All my mind
was telling me, when you come back to no one, when no one is there to pick you
up, you are the loneliest in the world. Something that I would have to do when
I get back to Mumbai. I hate where my mind goes; it always goes to the dark and
twisted place. Instead of thinking about how I will be greeted with joyous
smiles, I chose to dwell on how I will be left alone to my own devices after I
land in Mumbai. And to top it all, now that I am here, I want to be there! You
would never meet another fickle minded Virgo like me! Everyone has their happy
places, and what I realized today is that the airport is certainly not mine. It
just makes me realize how much of a lot of things I have missed. I have been
home for almost 5 hours, I have already had my first fight with my parents.
Going back to stay with them, is tedious. Even though I am no pro at staying
alone, since I have been doing it for only a year, I have come to value my
freedom and independence a lot more. I don’t like hearing, you won’t get it
unless you become a parent as an excuse of their being a tad bit snoopy about
my life. I’d like to hear a real excuse for them being snoopy. That is just not
good enough for me. Also I have no control on my mind whatsoever. It just goes
wherever it wants to. It never leaves me in peace. It always has to overthink things,
which makes me exhausted in the end. But does it care that it leaves me all
drained and muddled? Hell, no! It’s only job is to create the mess by
overthinking things and then leave me with the mess while poor little me tries
to figure out the questions that the highbrow mind of mine left me to answer.
I enter my room and I hardly recognize it: pink bed
spreads?! Doesn’t Ma know that I abhor pink like anything? What is wrong with
her? She is doing all these silly little things for me. So is dad. Neither of
them would leave me alone with my rambling mind for a second. Well, I believe
it now – distance makes the heart grow fonder. But I don’t think I can handle
this fondness too much. It is a getting a little claustrophobic for me. I hate
myself for even thinking this, but a tiny part of me thinks that all this is a
little fake. They might be doing all this to absolve themselves of the guilt
that has been gnawing at them for treating me the way they did for the last 23
years.
While rummaging the fridge today, I realized Ma’s fridge is
a happy fridge. My fridge back home is not. And I almost blurted out I don’t
feel like going back but I managed to catch myself just at the moment. My ego
is too huge to admit to my own folks that yes I miss this luxury at times. I
have got my perspectives all screwed up, I get that. I should never feel the
way I do, but that is where my mind goes.
I have spent a little more than 24 hours at home. I am still
very ambivalent about my feelings. Is this how it’s supposed to be?
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